Your Eating Disorder Makes Sense
From Reclaiming Beauty Team Member Carolyn McCarter Wood
One of the many difficult things about having an eating disorder is how illogical it can seem to loved ones. They seek to sway you by using logic– trying to assure you that this food has this needed nutrient, that vomiting is bad for you, that really, we do need carbs.
I am not saying that nutritional or medical information is not needed. In fact, it is one important aspect of healing our relationship with food. However, eating disorders are complex and they reside more in the relational and emotional parts of the brain than the part that thinks and reasons. Thus, reason will rarely ever be enough to reassure you “out” of the eating disorder behaviors and ways of thinking.
The Role of Emotional Knowings in Eating Disorders
This situation is because eating disorders are often rooted in “emotional knowings” which live in the limbic or subcortical part of the brain. Many folx with food struggles experience difficulties with sensory integration as well, which is also rooted in the lower parts of the brain. Occupational therapists can be wonderful resources for that aspect of eating difficulties. In this post, I am focusing on the “emotional knowing” roots of eating disorders, as that is my area of expertise.
Emotional knowings are the things we learn, either as a young child or at highly impactful times of our lives, about how the world is and what is true about ourselves in relation to it. We usually don’t know that we learned them, just as we don’t remember learning what a chair is, that gravity works, or that certain body shapes are better than others. We just know them. And sometimes, when we say them out loud, they don’t seem like they should be true, but they sure feel like they are.
These knowings are not like the facts we learn in school that we forget as soon as the test is over. (What ARE the different parts of a plant again?) These knowings land DEEP... They land in terms of ALWAYS and NEVER. And they don’t change easily. In fact, until about twenty-odd years ago, it was thought that they could not change at all. Techniques from therapy models like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (both fine models of therapy) emerged to help us override knowings and build neural new pathways. It was as if that path will always be there, but here is another one that is more helpful and pleasant. Recently, though, research on creatures as diverse as marine life, dogs and humans has shown that with the right circumstances, emotional knowings can permanently change. When that happens, high cost behaviors like eating disorder behaviors can feel less necessary.
Exploring the connection between eating disorder behaviors and emotional knowings
How does your eating disorder make sense in light of emotional knowings? I don’t know, since your knowings are unique to you – as unique as your fingerprint. However, I can guess that it somehow helps with one or more of these four things:
Increasing fairness or justice
Decreasing suffering
Increasing safety
Increasing a sense of well-being
Let’s look at a made up example. Imagine a person grows up in an emotionally abusive home, where a parent frequently says things like, “You have ruined my life! I wish you had never been born!” This child learned without ever thinking it with their thinking mind, “My existence is always a problem.” Over time, this person begins to restrict. Maybe they forget to eat lunch one day and feel kind of good so they skip dinner, too. And restriction is born. Turns out, it feels right to restrict; it makes things seem more fair somehow (since their existence is a problem.) It also decreases suffering (since restricting helps numbs their feelings.) It increases their sense of well-being (since fasting can produce euphoric feelings.) And, if the person is in a thin body, it may even provide a sense of safety from the judgment and rejection of a fat-phobic society.
Now, this person is a made up person, and their story is not your story. Eating disorders are not paint by number or one size fits all– neither are people. Not all eating disorders are rooted in childhood abuse or neglect. But can you see how restriction might feel necessary and helpful to this person?
Changing Emotional Knowings in Therapy
So how would we approach this in therapy? By paying attention to images, movements, body sensations, thoughts, and feelings, we can begin to get a sense of this person’s unique underlying knowings. Then we can be open to the possibility that some of them may not be true, or may not be always true, or used to be true but aren’t true anymore. As we bring to life in their body the painful knowing that their existence is always a problem, they may notice that their existence is not a problem for their friends or their child or for their partner. As this knowing unlocks, it may change to, “My existence was not a problem; my parents did not know how to love and care for me.”
Deep grief may emerge as they make room for the truth that their parent did not have the ability to love and welcome them as they deserved. However, on the other side of the grief, the need for increasing fairness and numbing painful feelings no longer exists. We are now left with only the pull of the pleasure that comes with restriction and the need for a sense of safety. We can find more healthy and self-compassionate ways that are unique to their talents and interests to get good feelings. A sense of safety can be strengthened when they surround themselves with body neutral friends and resources that support a more compassionate and inclusive worldview. We can also work in therapy to build internal boundaries to help protect them from taking in false messages from society about body size and shape and personal worth.
Exploring Your Eating Disorder with a Specialized Therapist
Are you wondering how your eating disorder makes sense? I am too. I know it does, though, and I welcome all parts of you, including the part that uses eating disorder or other behaviors to get through. What began as a helpful resource may very well no longer be necessary, or it may have become so costly that you know things have to change. At any rate, I would love to find out with you what makes more sense for you now.
(AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thanks and credit to Bruce Ecker, founder of Coherence Therapy and Juliane Taylor Shore, developer of the STAIR method of Therapy Integration for the concepts I share in this blog post.)
From Reclaiming Beauty Team Member Carolyn McCarter Wood, LCSW, LCAS, CEDS
Providing therapy for folks with eating disorders and trauma, and parent coaching to families supporting loved ones with eating disorders
Ready to explore how your eating disorder makes sense?
At Reclaiming Beauty, we're here to help you on this journey. Our compassionate therapists are dedicated to providing a safe and understanding space for you to explore the emotional knowings that drive your eating disorder and find what makes more sense for you now. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward a more emotionally balanced and fulfilling life.
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Other Services We Offer in Asheville, NC
Discover a holistic approach to well-being at Reclaiming Beauty. In addition to eating disorder therapy and teen eating disorder therapy, we offer personalized embodiment coaching to unlock the wisdom within, fostering self-compassion and resilience. Or, explore the transformative benefits of the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP). This is a non-invasive auditory intervention that enhances social engagement and reduces stress.
