Tag Archives: tarot

Keeping My Eyes Open Through Death/Rebirth

17 Sep

Image: Art Nouveau Tarot

Caution to the reader: This is a long, obnoxious post all about my process, but hey, it’s my birthday! so indulge me, if you please…       

Throughout my life I have had several recurring dreams. One takes place in Quail Hollow, the neighborhood where I spent my early childhood. Godzilla is headed north on Woodcock Way towards my street, Egret Court, and in order to be safe from the monster I must stay in the shadows. But there’s one problem. I am at my friend Tara Ireland’s house and have to run through the light to get across the street to my home. Another takes place in a shadowy version of our house on Egret Court. I am walking up a dimly lit staircase towards a third level of the house that in reality only had two stories. When I get to this attic space, I open the door and I see a mostly empty room with a very large vulture staring at me eye to eye. For some reason the image of this vulture still frightens me when I think back on the dream.

Recurring dreams are fascinating to me, so needless to say when I recently had a revised version of an old familiar dream I was very curious. The dream goes like this… I am walking through a very large house. It starts off with rooms full of innocent scenes of life. However, as I move deeper into the house, the rooms are filled with scenes of a darker and darker side of human nature. The dream is obviously representing the innocence lost from growing up in a more sheltered environment to then being exposed to the horrible ways people can treat one another in the real world.

In the final scene of the dream I am about to escape this horror house, but suddenly demons begin to surround me from every direction. I know if I can stay calm and keep my eyes open while these demons are surrounding me, I will be safe and able to escape. However, in the past dreaming of the dream, I would always panic, close my eyes and get dragged to hell.

But not this time! In this most recent dreaming of the dream, as the demons began to close in on me, I remembered I had a new skill… I could keep my eyes open, focus on my breath, and breath in and out in as even of a rhythm as possible, just like I have been practicing in the Bikram yoga hot torture chamber. I kept my breath steady, my eyes open, my panic at bay, and soon the demons backed away and disappeared. I then walked out of the horror house for the first time.

Image: Thoth Crowley Tarot

I feel there is a tremendous amount of significance in this new ending as today I move into my Death/Rebirth year. The Death/Rebirth year is not one to be feared. It is a year of releasing that which no longer serves you to make space for a rebirth. It is shedding your old skin to set the scene for a transformation. It is the letting go and surrender of preconceived notions, expectations, and limiting beliefs that must happen before a person can reclaim their true beauty.

This dream reminds me that I now have the POWER to stand strong in the face of my demons… my worst fears, my most raw vulnerabilities, my limiting beliefs about myself. What is ready to release, I will let go. What is ready to transform, I will transform. And step forward from the horror house into my Rebirth.  

This process takes courage. CHECK.

This process takes grieving. CHECK.

This process takes support. CHECK.

It is truly a Reclaiming Beauty process.

Inhale… Exhale…Repeat…and keep your eyes open!

During this Death/Rebirth year I plan to write a book about reclaiming beauty. I am also collaborating with a dear friend, Leah Joy, to create a deck of Reclaiming Beauty Mandala Cards to accompany this book. It is so exciting to focus on creativity as I move through this Death/Rebirth year!

As I said, one needs support during this growth cycle year. So I have a REQUEST: My support request is that all of the Reclaiming Beauty readers get inspired to contribute to the blog! I feel the conversation will be enriched with a wider range of voices sharing their reclaiming beauty experiences. This will allow me to focus on getting the book in my mind down on paper rather than the scheduled weekly posts. So please check out the Skills and see if you are inspired to share anything… writing, artwork, poetry, music, youtube videos. I will look forward to hearing more from the current beloved contributors as well as hear from some new voices. Please send me an email if you have any questions about contributing at heidi@reclaimingbeauty.com

Thanks for your support and I look forward to your Reclaiming Beauty contributions.

To rebirthing beauty!

~ Heidi  

Tarot Note: If you are interested in learning more about your tarot PERSONALITY/SOUL symbols and your current GROWTH CYCLE YEAR, send me an email. I am currently offering tarot readings that will include this information on a sliding scale.

I’ve Got the Power

13 Aug

Peacock Power

I am now in the last month of my Hanged Man growth cycle year and have been reflecting on the breakdown/breakthrough opportunities this year brought me. As I shared in the post SPARKLE = POWER, I realize that this process of breaking and releasing stuck patterns, although it can be challenging and painful, leads to freedom and reclaiming power. Power is a major component in my personal definition of beauty. Here are some ways I claimed my POWER this year:

+ Bikram Yoga 3 times a week = has helped with my health,  my energy level, my back pain, feeling strong and POWERful in my body, and creating more and more flexibility and openness physically and emotionally – not to mention feeling strong and powerful in my body also helps me feel hot and sexy!

+ Chiropractic = chronic back pain resurfacing served as an opportunity to heal the patterns in my spine… I committed to a healing process with Dr. Jennifer Liming at the end of April and this month was featured as her Patient of the Month due to my success (read my testimonial here to learn how Dr. Jennifer can help to turn your POWER on: Dr. Jennifer’s testimonial)

+ Seeking my own approval = in June I took the brave step to separate from my husband (healing love to him) whose inability to deeply value and desire my beauty created internal questioning of my worth physically, emotionally & spiritually, leading me deeper into my own reclaiming beauty process

+ Sitting with aloneness = rather than dwelling on the perceived rejection from the breakdown of my relationship, I have been working on deeply loving and accepting myself in my aloneness, recognizing that in order to stand POWERfully in intimate relationships my next lover needs to be ME

A POEM that has been guiding this process for me:

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I gain the embrace of the universe;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.
Each condition I flee from pursues me,
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed
Into its radiant jewel-like essence.
I bow to the one who has made it so,
Who has crafted this Master Game.
To play it is purest delight;
To honor its form–true devotion.

- Jennifer Welwood

And a SONG  that is my current MANTRA and has been guiding this process for me: I’ve Got The Power - by SNAP

Another song from my POWER playlist… oh, Kanye, you are so very pompous, but we could all use a bit of your CONFIDENCE: Power – by Kanye West

Today I stand with confidence that I am doing the challenging work of walking my Reclaiming Beauty talk with integrity. I can be a testament to the truth that this process of Walking in Beauty is hard, but so worth it.

I would love to hear ways you have been claiming your POWER this year. In the comments below, please share some of your power wielding inspiration.

If you are interested in learning more about your tarot PERSONALITY/SOUL symbols and your current GROWTH CYCLE YEAR, send me an email. I am currently offering tarot readings that will include this information on a sliding scale.

In the words of Kanye… At the end of the day, I’m killing this sh%t!,

I’ve got the power!

~Heidi

Image: Elizabeth St. Hilaire Nelson

Reclaiming Beauty Queen

4 Nov

Beauty Found Collage Card (2011)

Last week we finished up the Fall 2011 Reclaiming Beauty Playshop with a ritual designed to share our Beauty Found stories and commit to self-compassion (being our own Inner Mother). It felt good to come around full circle from our explorations of Original Beauty and Beauty Lost. In honor of Kore’s (and our own) transformation to Persephone, Queen of the Underworld, we ate pomegranate seeds and celebrated the gifts of the Underworld.

I loved engaging in the process with this group. My Beauty Found card incorporated an image of the Queen of Wands from the Thoth Tarot deck. The Queen of Wands represents mastery of Self-Knowledge. Here is what Angeles Arrien says about this symbol in The Tarot Handbook:

The Queen of Wands is the knower of the Self. This symbol represents self-mastery and the process of self-reclamation. Her process of transformation and self-actualization can best be described by the story she represents of a woman who, before she knew who she was, had black hair and walked with a panther by her side. As she began to discover more of who she was, her hair turned brown and the panther changed to a leopard. When she fully realized who she was and began to manifest who she was in the world with her pine cone wand, her hair turned fiery red. At this stage of self-knowledge, she pinched the growth marks of the leopard to prevent it from transforming into a beautiful lion that would have matched her self-knowledge because she wanted a reminder of the dark places from whence she had come (the spots of the leopard). This myth represents the process of self-discovery and the splendor of awakening to the deepest essence of who we are (the radiant crown).

I firmly believe that my time in the Underworld led me to the person I am today. I love how this card honors the dark places we have been in our lives as the fuel for awakening to our essence – a process that for me represents reclaiming connection with our beauty. Included in my image are the words “beautiful strength” to represent the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strength that is a part of my beauty. I also included a reminder to “be satisfied.” From my study of the Enneagram and learning about my Enneatype, Type 4, the Individualist, I have been able to cultivate mindfulness of the habit of my mind of looking for what is missing. This focus of attention ultimately leads me to dissatisfaction and depression. Through a practice of shifting the focus to the blessings of what is in front of me everyday (without abandoning skills in getting my needs met), I have been able to challenge the perceived emptiness of dissatisfaction. Yay! for self-knowledge to help emancipate (myself) from mental slavery  and celebrate the beauty surrounding me in my life.

I also included the Om symbol to represent the role of my yoga practice in my healing journey.

A shout out to other factors that continue to lead me to Beauty Found:

my husband, son, sisters, parents, friends who mirror my true Self qualities back to me every day ~ making meaning out of my struggles by being a light for others ~ forgiveness of myself and others ~ music ~ the beauty of nature ~ creativity ~ moving towards better health everyday ~ love

What are the “spots of the leopard” in your life that have led you to deeper Self-Knowledge? What/who do you want to honor that has helped lead you on a journey of reclaiming a sense of your own beauty? Create your own Beauty Found collage card and share it with us!

I hope that you will consider joining a Reclaiming Beauty Playshop in the future. The next one will most likely start in February 2012. Stay connected through this blog, on facebook, or through subscribing to the newsletter to keep updated of the latest offerings.

I honor the beauty in you from the beauty in me,

~ Heidi

Hot Tip Tuesday: On Comparison

27 Sep

Image: Osho Zen Tarot

Commentary from the Osho Zen Tarot booklet:

Who ever told you that the bamboo is more beautiful than the oak, or the oak more valuable than the bamboo? Do you think the oak wishes it had a hollow trunk like this bamboo? Does the bamboo feel jealous of the oak because it is bigger and its leaves change color in the fall? The very idea of the two trees comparing themselves to each other seems ridiculous, but we humans seem to find this habit very hard to break. Let’s face it, there is always going to be somebody who is more beautiful, more talented, stronger, more intelligent, or apparently happier than you are. And conversely, there will always be those who are less than you in all these ways. The way to find out who you are is not by comparing yourself with others, but by looking to see whether you are fulfilling your own potential in the best way you know how.

*****

Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When you don’t compare, all inferiority, all superiority, disappears. Then you are, you are simply there. A small bush or a big high tree–it doesn’t matter; you are yourself. You are needed. A grass leaf is needed as much as the biggest star. Without the grass leaf God will be less than he is. This sound of the cuckoo is needed as much as any Buddha; the world will be less, will be less rich if this cuckoo disappears. Just look around. All is needed, and everything fits together. It is an organic unity: nobody is higher and nobody is lower, nobody superior, nobody inferior. Everybody is incomparably unique.

Osho The Sun Rises in the Evening Chapter 4

SPARKLE = POWER

9 Sep

Image: Thoth Crowley Tarot

In a recent session with my creative mentor, Heather Bleasdell, I received my latest wake-up call. I had entered the session planning on discussing the current developments with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. However, before I could bring up this topic, Heather went straight to the core issue. She asked, “What’s going on with your body?” With an inner grumble of knowing that she was right on with this question, I told her about the recent flare up and spread of a skin condition that I have had on and off for the past five years (psoriasis). I shared with her how the struggle with psoriasis has been an issue in my beauty walk because I feel it is an external mark for the world to see that I am not healthy – a mark that diminishes my sparkle. As she was compassionately grilling me about the need for me to take responsibility for my health in order for the change I desire to occur, she made this statement that kind of blew my mind: SPARKLE = POWER. It wasn’t the psoriasis that was diminishing my sparkle, but rather my disempowered approach to my health and my healing.  Gotta love that Heather.

This exchange was perfect timing for me as I am coming up on my birthday (Yay!) which for me heralds movement into a new Growth Cycle in the tarot: my Hanged Man year. (Good-bye Strength/Lustre year – I loved every minute!) The Hanged Man is an archetype representing the principle of surrender and breaking old patterns. The symbols on this card are very fascinating to me. The upside down man is making an upside down number four with his legs. In the tarot, the number four is the Emperor: the principle of personal power and leadership. The Egyptian Ankh (the reversed cross holding the foot of the Hanged Man) is a symbol of unlimited life force, constantly accessible for creative use. Another symbol of the potential for transformation, the snake, is found on the card as the coil  from which the man is hanging as well as encased below the crown of his head. All of these symbols tell the story of the power available to a person who is willing to break free from destructive and limiting patterns.

This card teaches that we can access our ability to transform our limitations into power/sparkle by getting new perspectives on old stuck patterns and sacrificing the needs of the ego which no longer serve us. Angeles Arrien explains it in this way, “The Hanged Man reminds us that our “hang-ups” can either prevent growth and evolution or they can serve to teach us where we need to free ourselves from undue self-imposed limitations. It reveals the part of ourselves that is willing to love ourselves enough to break limiting and destructive patterns within our personality.”

Image: Osho Zen Tarot

I love the Osho Zen Tarot deck’s image and interpretation of the Hanged Man symbol which it names “New Vision.” The figure on the card is dancing a wild dance of freedom from her stuck patterns. She has a newly accessed ability to see life and it’s challenges with fresh eyes. The image beautifully captures what the Hanged Man year offers if one chooses to accept the challenge, to answer its wake-up call. I want that freedom dance.

Soon after this session with Heather I did a 3 card reading for myself asking the question, “What do I need to focus on as I move into my Hanged Man year?”  Enter reinforcement of what needs to happen this year…

Nature of the Situation: XIII. Death/Rebirth – highlighting the surrender and letting go aspect of the Hanged Man – as anyone who has worked on making changes for their health knows, it is a grieving process to let go of those unhealthy coping behaviors, yet this grieving process is necessary for a rebirth to occur

Action Needed: Three of Swords: Sorrow – highlighting the need to release sorrow held in the mind – sorrow that influences my issues with being stuck and staying in old patterns and behavior choices that have a negative impact on my health – challenge my head tripping

Outcome: Four of Disks: Power – Yep, I hear you, Universe.

I would love to hear how other people are working with breaking free of stuck patterns to access their sparkle/power. Please comment if you feel inspired.

Break on through to the other side,

~ Heidi

Strength/Lustre in 2010

20 Feb

One of my personal tools for growth and exploration is the tarot deck, and I have been studying tarot cards since I bought my first deck on Union Street in San Francisco in 1999. My current Growth Cycle Card for the year 2010 is number 11, Strength/Lustre. According to Angeles Arrien’s The Tarot Handbook, the following is what 2010 has in store for me:

Return of wonder, awe, passion, vitality and excitement! Demonstration of creative and physical strength. Attraction to creative, passionate people. The capacity to utilize all of one’s multi-faceted talents into one area. Passion for some form of creativity. Strong internal center is developed. Important Leo people in one’s life. Symbol for theater; one who is gifted in playing many different parts/roles well. Overcoming the “beasts” within; strong trust in self is developed.
 

Oooooohhhh! Sounds juicy. As I have been sitting with this symbol, I have noticed many synchronicities with the current developments in my life.  Of course the first obvious one is spending time with important Leo people… my little baby, Joseph, is already quite the expressive Leo. I also have found a fulfilling creative synthesis of my interests and skills in motherhood and in my work as a counselor. I feel renewed inspiration to bring to fruition some of the creative projects that have been percolating in my mind the past few years. And this inspiration has been fueled by the opportunity to collaborate with some creative and passionate people.

So, what does this all mean… It is very likely that this will be the year the Reclaiming Beauty Project becomes more than just a notebook in my office!

The work of the Strength/ Lustre card centers on the archetype of Beauty and the Beast. It reminds us to use our beauty- our unique gifts, talents and resources- to tame and reign the beasts within our nature. I can’t help but get excited about how this card reflects my ideas for the Reclaiming Beauty Project. One of the project’s intentions is to broaden participants’ definition of beauty to include themselves. We will do this by challenging our culture’s narrow definition of beauty and connecting participants to their inner uniqueness. The beast of negative body image and low self-image will be tamed by the participants’ own beauty.

Another aspect of this journey is Strength. Arrien states, “We cannot be in our lustre, our radiance, if we are not also in our strength.”  At the heart of the Reclaiming Beauty Project is the belief that joyful, positive experiences in our body give us direct access to our Self. Embodied movement is incorporated into each session with the hopes that participants will develop a personal practice of movement in their life. Strengthening our relationship to our body, we strengthen our relationship to our life. And then we shine, shine, shine…

With it being my Strength/Lustre year, I imagine I will be having a parallel process of Reclaiming Beauty in my life. I am excited to see what is in store for me… what beasts will be tamed. Of course, knowing me, I do like to keep a few untamed beasts around…

For the project, I will be partnering with the inspired Katherine Dowdney of Blissful Body. We hope to start the first group of women on this journey in the spring. Stay tuned for further developments and information on how you can be involved.

Shine on!