Tag Archives: body image

Hot Tip Tuesday: Mermaid or Whale?

11 Oct

The following body image parable from Delphine Fieberg has gone viral on facebook:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.  They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?!”

What are your thoughts?

Image: plus size model Tara Lynn

Walk in Beauty

31 Mar

Four years ago I was working very comfortably as a Qualified Professional for Appalachian Counseling doing case management and brief therapy for people with mental health issues. I was good at what I did and it came easy for me. The owner of Appalachian Counseling, Jane Ferguson, had just opened a new residential treatment center for women with eating disorders in Brevard – Tapestry. She was looking to hire a new therapist for Tapestry and out of the blue called me and asked if I would be interested in interviewing.  At first, to myself, I said an immediate ‘H*** no!’ I had some experience working with this population and knew that the issues they faced were very close to home to my own challenges. I also knew I had a lot to learn in order to help these women in an effective way. Luckily, I kept that ‘H*** no!’ to myself. I went home and talked over this opportunity with my husband. He made an excellent point… how often does a person receive a call like this one, a call to take the next step in their professional and personal journey? I felt honored that Jane saw some potential in me that I had not recognized myself. I heard the call and accepted the challenge and have been working for Tapestry ever since.

Over the last four years I have come to see my work at Tapestry as Feminist Activism. I work to help empower women, one at a time, by planting seeds to free them from their struggles with food and body image. In the recovery process, it is often said that body image is the last and hardest thing to shift. This makes sense because in our current society it is truly a radical practice for women to reject the physical “ideals” that are being sold to us. More and more I am seeing that external struggles with body image are playing out internal struggles with how a person values oneself. Body image can shift as a person begins to connect to and embrace their authentic Self and live from that place. In the process of helping people heal their food and body issues, I feel grateful for the opportunity to serve as a midwife for the true Self.

Throughout my process, I have been interested in the concept of beauty and how a woman can reclaim her own beauty. A clue that beauty was an important aspect of what drew me to this work was offered to me the very first Family Weekend I was involved in at Tapestry. During this weekend, the father of one of the residents, a man who had some Native American heritage, shared a poem that intrigued me. It was the following traditional Navajo prayer:

In beauty may I walk

All day long may I walk

With beauty before me may I walk

With beauty behind me may I walk

With beauty above me may I walk

With beauty all around me may I walk

Walk in beauty

Walk in beauty

Sensing the deeply spiritual understanding of beauty held by the Navajo Indians, I wanted to learn more about this prayer. My research efforts on the internet proved to be less than satisfyng. I learned of a ceremony called the Beautyway in which the Navajo participate to regain a sense of Beauty, Balance and Harmony. I would really love to know more about this ceremony first hand so if anyone reading this post could connect me to someone who might have more information I would be so thrilled. I did see the following definition: The concept ‘to walk in beauty’ is the process of being connected to one’s true Self – the Soul self. This definition resonates with my own understanding of what makes a person beautiful. Through the process of gaining Self-Knowledge, I have worked to connect to and embody my own sense of beauty, so naturally this is what I value in the work I do as a counselor.

Self-knowledge seems to be the thread that connects my various interests and obsessions. Counseling, yoga, songwriting, expressive arts, the enneagram, tarot, astrology, internal family systems, my relationships – all are tools for gaining deeper Self-knowledge and therefore gaining a deeper sense of one’s beauty. In my own Beauty walk, it is time to further my exploration into beauty with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. I am excited to be starting a 6 week Reclaiming Beauty pilot group. I have invited some friends to join me in experimenting with the reclaiming beauty ideas. I look forward to deepening this exploration and sharing it with others.

What is your definition of beauty? Is it wide enough to include your Self? In what ways do you embody your Self-knowledge and therefore your beauty?

I will leave you with a beauty way perspective on the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation offered from one of my yoga teachers, John Friend, creator of Anusara Yoga:

May all beings, including myself, be free from pain and suffering

May we all awaken to the essential goodness and beauty that shines in our hearts

I honor the beauty within you from the beauty within me

Walk in beauty

Image: Anahata Katkin

We may be ugly, but we are here: Gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice

23 Nov DSCN0646

Last Spring, as I was driving home from work, I heard a powerful report on NPR about the recovery effort in Haiti after the worst earthquake in the country’s history occurred January 12, 2010.  The aftermath of this devastating earthquake, which left more than 250,000 dead and up to 1.5 million homeless, truly tested the resiliency of the Haitian people. However, I was struck by the reported motto of the Haitian people in the face of this tragedy: “Nou Met Led Me Nou La!” which translates to, “We may be ugly, but we are here.”

In the context of my work with women who struggle with disordered eating and body image issues, this statement was mind-blowing. It is amazing how quickly the important aspects of life are put in perspective when reflecting on this level of human loss and suffering. And how powerful the expression of gratitude at the most basic gift of life.

For weeks after I heard this story, whenever I would hear a client struggling with their body image, the uncensored version of me would want to shout loudly: “You may be ugly, but you are here!” Luckily, I recognized that this kind of statement would most likely not communicate empathy to my clients like they are used to receiving from me. After all, I am usually the one that educates them on the various factors that make a person susceptible to negative body image including low self-esteem, societal and familial messages, biological vulnerability in the form of perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive traits, developmental history and trauma history. With this level of understanding, I would never want to communicate a simplistic, snap-out-of-it message like: ‘Get over yourself and appreciate what you have!’ Yet, I do see a benefit in sharing this Haitian recovery motto with my clients - developing a mindfulness practice of replacing bad body thoughts with gratitude thoughts.

Bad body thoughts, no matter what their root, can become a repetitive tape in a person’s head. Eventually, people who struggle with negative body image may not even realize what triggers them to start thinking the disparaging thoughts – they have become a well-worn pathway in the brain. But the exciting truth that meditators have known from experience, and researchers are now proving, is that we can train our minds and change our brains by using mindfulness. We can replace the bad body thought pathways with new pathways of gratitude.

Mindfulness, as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgement. Using gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice, a person becomes aware of their mind starting down the path of bad body thoughts, without judgement, and then shifts their focus to gratitude. This process creates a new mental filter of appreciation. Ask yourself: What CAN I appreciate about my body? Shift your focus from FORM to FUNCTION.

A daily gratitude practice can be a helpful tool in training your brain to shift its focus. Here are some ideas from M.J. Ryan’s book, Attitudes of Gratitude:

~ Identify 3 things you are grateful for today and what is your part in them?

~ How could things be worse? I’m glad I’m not…

~ When you are struggling, look for the “gift in the wound.” Ask yourself: How have I grown through this difficulty?

I am grateful for the blessings around me, which I can appreciate best when I am attending to them- my beautiful son and husband, our home, my family and friends, fulfilling work, a healthy back so I can move my body again, motherhood and creative outlets. In this season of giving thanks, I am happy to join in the chorus: We may be ugly, but we are here!

You are NOT ugly, but you ARE here! What are you feeling thankful for?

Please leave a comment if you feel inspired.

Breastfeeding and healing my boob issues

3 Nov

I love breastfeeding! It came as a surprise how challenging it was to get started. I expected the process of breastfeeding would come much more naturally. But despite the latching issues and sore nipples, I was determined… there was no way that I have carried around these breasts for 34 years of my life not to put them to use when the time came. How healing it has been for me to have the experience of breastfeeding my son… I am so grateful.

You see, I have boob issues. There is a hilarious song by Deirdre Flint called “The Boob Fairy.” She sings in the chorus, “The boob fairy never came for me.” But I fall into a different category… the boob fairy was obsessed with me! My husband says that the only person who cares how big my boobs are is me. And in a lot of ways, I know that this is true. However, I do have memories and experiences that prove otherwise.

I first started realizing my breasts were bigger than the norm my senior year of high school. I remember going shopping for prom dresses with my younger sister, and her comment that most of the dresses made me look as if the weight of my boobs would take me over flat on my face. My time for running a mile in soccer practice changed drastically that year; I could not break 8 minutes, where as the year before I had been running it in 6 minutes 30 seconds. I blamed it on my boobs. And playing co-ed softball… a friend let me in on a humiliating secret that the boys always let me get that first hit so they could see me run to first base. Huhhmmmmmpppffff… At that time I also started to encounter some of the big breasted women stereotypes like “the bigger the boobs the smaller the brain” and assumptions about big breasted women being easy.

My breasts got bigger and bigger and with every life transition it seemed I would go up a cup size. I first considered breast reduction surgery in college. My parents had purchased US savings bonds for my sisters and me and we were allowed to use the money for whatever we wanted once we hit college age. I contemplated using the money for breast reduction surgery. But Lacala Hall, a friend’s wise mother who was a big breasted woman herself, pulled me aside one afternoon and gave me some good advice. She said, “Someday, Heidi, you will find a man who will love your big breasts.” That advice helped me make the decision to use the money for an Outward Bound trip rather than a breast reduction surgery, which was a much better choice for the positive experience of self that I was seeking.

In my mid 20′s I started considering breast reduction again. I had traded running for a yoga practice, mostly because my breast size was taxing my back when pounding the pavement. In this way, my big boobs were a gift that led me to my yoga practice. But whenever my back issues would flare up, I found myself thinking about the surgery again. My biggest fear in getting the surgery was that something would go wrong and I would not be able to breastfeed. I knew I wanted to have children one day, and that breastfeeding was important to me for the benefits it would have for my baby and me. One day after I had spent time journaling about the dilemna, I ran into a friend and her new baby shopping at Earthfare. I asked her how things were going, and she shared that she was struggling with breastfeeding because she had breast reduction surgery in her early 20′s. It was a sign from the Universe that calmed my breast reduction wonderings for awhile.

Fear led me to start considering breast reduction surgery again a couple of years ago. My husband and I were gearing up to have our first child, and I was afraid of the possible size of my breasts while I was pregnant and nursing, and afraid that they would be too big to breastfeed. This fear finally led me into the office of a plastic surgeon for a consultation, which was a horrible experience for me. I briefly met with the doctor and explained to him that my main reasons for considering the surgery were practical ones. I wanted relief from back pain and manageable breasts for my pregnancy/nursing experience. I also wanted information about the risks the surgery posed to breastfeeding. I explained that it was very awkward for me to be in his office, since my daily work involves encouraging women to accept and embrace their body, no matter the size or shape. He must not have been listening, because all he kept saying to me was that there was nothing wrong with having a perfect pair of breasts. He and the nurse left the office and told me to strip down to my underwear. The nurse came back in and stood me in front of a full length mirror while she took my measurements and drew lines on my breasts. She also circled other places she saw as “flawed” which I imagine was intended to drum up more surgery business. This process was so vulnerable and uncomfortable for me. When the doctor came in and started to explain my breasts’ flaws and what procedures he could do to perfect them, I became so angry and tearful. I put my clothes on in the middle of his spiel and left the office in a storm.

I am sure that there are plastic surgeons out there who are not like the one I saw and can tune in to the unique intentions of what brings a person into their office. And I am not saying that someday, after I have my babies, that I won’t reconsider breast reduction surgery. But this traumatic experience made me realize I was not ready to take a risk like breast reduction surgery before I had my babies.

So here I am with my 12 week old son. I am savoring the experience of breastfeeding. I love the moments when he pulls away from the breast, looks up at me, and his eyes light up while a huge smile comes across his face. Or when we are nursing in the bed, and his little arm gently lays across my breast when he finishes. These moments are so precious to me. I remember again the advice I received from Lacala Hall, and I know that man she was talking about, the one who would love my big breasts, that would be my little boy Joseph. And I am thankful for the functionality of these big ole boobs.

For your listening pleasure, here is Deidre Flint singing “The Boob Fairy”

Change how you see

24 May

baby belly #2Today I am 31 weeks pregnant and feeling blissful as my husband and I are preparing for the birth of our first child. I feel so full and happy in my heart… and my body. For me, how I feel in my body often translates to how I feel about myself/my life. This practice of positive embodiment is how I have worked with body image issues and encouraged my clients to do the same. However, this approach does not necessarily work in pregnancy. I have been enjoying my pre-natal yoga practice, slow walks and almost weekly pre-natal massage, but still haven’t adjusted to the daily experience of swollen fingers, feet and ankles, back pain and living in a heavier body.

Last week I had a pre-natal visit scheduled and before the appointment found myself obsessing about how much weight I have gained in pregnancy. I am thankful that there has been a shift from when my mother had children and doctors stressed minimal weight gain to a focus on providing the nourishment needed for mother and baby during this time. However, in my childbirth classes, we were given a range for healthy weight gain, 25–35 pounds, and I was anxious that I would get on the scale and it would be a number higher than 35 pounds of weight gain.

As I became aware of this anxiety, I also became aware that this feeling was probably a signal that there was something deeper going on inside. It was time for some reflecting.

In my work I am surrounded by women struggling with the false belief that their weight, the number on the scale, determines their self-worth or happiness level. Of course, this distortion is common among many women living in our present society that values thinness. For people who struggle with self-esteem issues, or upbringings that did not provide positive mirroring for their true self qualities, weight is a seductive, tangible way to measure their self-worth, albeit misguided. I also know from my life experience that low weight doesn’t equal happiness. One of my most broken times of life, when I moved to Asheville from California in 2002, I was at my adult lowest weight and it was my lowest time personally. I feel part of my higher purpose in being in this work environment is to be an example of a woman who does not buy into this false equation of weight = worthiness or low weight = happiness. A quote from Gandhi reminds me of this role I have chosen, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I wish to see women embody their power and express it in the world, without negative body image as an impediment.

But I can’t say that I am not impacted by the daily work of helping women change this ingrained, false belief. And times when I am feeling vulnerable, these belief systems seep into my own, and I have to stay mindful and question what my belief system truly is and what is my clients’.

So thinking on these things, I was driving from my work in Brevard back to my pre-natal appointment in Asheville. I pulled over for a mid-afternoon ice cream cone.

Walking into the store, there was a man about my age leaning against the counter talking to the ice cream scooper. He looked over at me and immediately said, “I know you. How do I know you?” We went through the typical list of places where we may have crossed paths. Nothing triggered any memories until he asked if I had spent much time in downtown Asheville. I immediately remembered my first summer in Asheville working at Café on the Square, a restaurant located in the heart of downtown. This man worked at Bonnie’s Cigar Store, a little market right on the corner of Patton and College, three stores down from the Café. I often went into that store before my shifts and remember having conversations with him. He said he had worked there for 15 years before it closed a few years ago.

To be honest, I was shocked that he recognized me. At the time when I frequented Bonnie’s Cigar Store (not for the cigars, by the way), it was the summer of 2002. I was at an unhealthy low weight from the sadness I was experiencing in my life. And here I was now, 7 years later, almost 8 months pregnant. I expressed my disbelief that he had recognized me and he said, “Oh, it’s your eyes. That’s what I remembered.”

I left the store with my scoop of cookies-n-cream ice cream and a warm feeling inside. I knew this guy wasn’t hitting on me, because no one hits on a super pregnant lady, and he also didn’t have that vibe. He remembered me because of my eyes, a truer reflection of my spirit. It was perfect timing for me to run into a person who saw people in a different way, not by their weight or appearance, but by their essence. I was reminded of one of my favorite bumper stickers, “Change how you see, not how you look.” I was thankful for this encounter with a person who lived by this philosophy.

Of course, I have the good fortune of being married to a man who also lives by this philosophy. And I could go on and on about the usual joy of embodying the goddess body of a pregnant women. But this was the lesson of the day. And in its honor, I am coming out with a pregnant belly picture. May you see the joy and bliss in my eyes.

Change How You See Bumper Sticker (5501)

Embodiment at 20 weeks

18 Mar

lifeNo more Bikram for a while. In November I was attending class and feeling even more nauseous than usual. Turns out… I was pregnant! Now this was extra exciting news for me as I was on a secret mission with the Bikram classes. I had heard from a few people that a surprise benefit of the hormonal balancing effect from the practice was increased fertility. Since my husband and I had been working on getting pregnant for about a year, I thought I’d take the Bikram challenge.  Now that I am pregnant, I can confess! So these days it’s touchy- feely-get-in-touch-with-your-feminine-power pre-natal yoga for me.

The 1st trimester was rough. It was challenging for me to be fully present in myself when it meant facing chronic nausea and fatigue. My life consisted of going to work and coming home and sleeping.  I did not have much energy for anything else. I struggled not to check out of my body to avoid the discomfort. But I knew that using this coping mechanism would have caused me to miss the process… so I did my best to stay present to the nausea. Despite all positive nutrition intentions, my sick tummy feeling was mainly soothed by a combo of Chik-fil-A lemonade and waffle fries- throwing the chicken sandwich in for good measure. I am convinced my baby is going to be coming out saying ‘Eat more chicken!’ With help from the wise women in my life who have taken this child growing journey before me, I learned in the 1st trimester you do what you have to do to make it through.

I started feeling better a few weeks into my 2nd trimester, and it was a welcome return. Now that I am here at 20 weeks, I am enjoying the embodiment of pregnancy. What a mystery and miracle that is happening inside me! This is a time where I feel no guilt responding to what my body is telling me it needs. I have been enjoying long afternoon naps and responding to my pregnancy cravings. I am embodying the mystery of creation, and I want to honor that mystery.

I love my belly and have been able to embrace the changes my body is experiencing. I know a lot of woman struggle with body image issues through this change. For me, it is making it even more clear that my body has such a divine purpose that is beyond size, shape, weight and objectification. It is truly liberating.

However, to be totally honest, it has been challenging to accept one part of my pregnancy body – my breasts. Now I know most women are excited about their breasts getting bigger during pregnancy. Not the case for me as I have already been blessed abundantly in that arena.

A funny thing happened at work one day that helped me to reframe my ever increasing breast experience…

I was leading a body image group where I instructed everyone to draw a picture of their bodies with their non-dominant hand and with eyes closed. They then had to describe different parts of themselves. One client made a comment about her ‘malformed mammaries, ‘ but somehow what I heard her say was ‘mouth-watering mammaries.’ First of all, I was so happy that she saw her breasts in such a positive light (not to mention the clever alliteration). Secondly, I told her how much I appreciated her view of her breasts personally. As I was grappling with my breasts growing with pregnancy, thinking about their function and the life they would soon be bringing to a little being helped me deal with any negative feelings about their growth. It was an aural Freudian slip for sure, and we all got a good laugh out of it. I have definitely reminded myself of mouth-watering mammaries whenever I feel their increasing heaviness effecting me physically, mentally or emotionally.

To mouth-watering mammaries!

Image: Anahata Katkin