Reclaiming Beauty

Continuing on my journey to balance by seeking more of the masculine archetype in my life…

Although Bikram classes 4/5 were the exact same format, poses and languaging as the first 3 classes, they were very different experiences for me. The initial shock of the heat and detox process was starting to wear off, but I still felt such harshness in the practice. My mind was able to tune more into the languaging of the teacher… and much to my surprise, she wasn’t running the class like a boot camp, she’ wasn’t callously pushing people past their limits, she wasn’t commenting on poor form and “junk bodies” (a quote from the man, Bikram, that utterly offends me.) So I began to wonder… where was this experience of harshness coming from? And of course it didn’t take long to realize, it was my own mind, my inner Joe Moretto.

Joe Moretto was my junior high soccer coach when I played with the Huber Heights, Ohio Warriors Soccer Club. He was rough, callous, totally insenstive, and 100% masculine archetype. He had a daughter, Mary Moretto, who was the toughest girl I knew. She scared me, but she also scared our opponents, so that was good for our team. I loved playing soccer, but was not at all an aggressive player. Both my sisters were soccer players who started playing young, but I was hesitant because of the roughness. Soccer was in our family blood, so it was inevitable for me to start playing. But I was who I was, a sensitive girl, and when I’d get roughed up, I’d usually cry.

I’m reminded of Tom Hanks coach character in the women’s softball league movie A League of Their Own bellowing to one of his players, “There’s no crying in softball!” That was Joe Morreto trying to deal with me.

A childhood memory… a particularly physical soccer game… lots of pushing… yellow cards flying… half time… tears running down my face… Joe Moretto shouting at me, “You’ve got to toughen up!” as he’d push me down on the field, I’d get up, he’d push me down again, “Stop being a baby!” he’d yell, I’d get up, he’d push me down… more tears… then I started seeing red… and off the field I walked.

So here I am in the present, in my yoga class, and my inner Joe Moretto is cracking the whip. I have been practicing yoga for 10 years, and my practice constantly changes. In 2005 I had a mysterious infection that caused me to take antibiotics for 6 months. I was eventually diagnosed with a ureter/kidney infection, and surgery followed. After the surgery, I couldn’t even do a child’s pose without pain. I was toxic city from the antibiotics and the anesthesia. My yoga practice hasn’t been the same, and it has been hard on my ego! So at this point in the Bikram practice, I am face to face with those critical voices. Poses that at one time were natural and easy for me freak me out, make me feel sick, and just plain hurt. That old familiar voice, “Toughen up! Don’t be a baby!” begins to ring loud. It is the shadow side of the masculine archetype haunting my mind.

I say shadow side because of the lack of compassion in the voice. Although my experience with Joe Moretto was a little developmental trauma for me, it was also an experience that taught me a lot. His method was effective in that it helped me access my anger, my boundaries, and as much as I hate to admit it, to toughen up a bit. But again, here’s where the balance comes in… because I need the warrior of the masculine paired with the compassion of the feminine. It really does no good if I am all feminine on the outside, but all masculine inner voices. Developing mindfulness of this external/internal imbalance, I am able to bring some compassion into the places where the inner Joe Moretto fires up.

One final aside… speaking of all feminine on the outside… My body shape is pretty much a reflection of the feminine archetype as well… voluptuos, round belly, sizeable breasts. There are many poses in the Bikram series that are challenging to me due to pure anatomical reasons. It is obvious this series was developed by a man with not much variation for a woman’s curves. There is one particular pose, Dandayama Bibhaktapada Janushirsasana (standing separate leg head to knee pose), where you stand with one foot 3 feet in front of the other, tuck your chin in, arch your back, suck your stomach in and touch your head to your knee. In this pose I basically feel as if I am suffocating in my own cleavage. I can’t help but chuckle at the irony of this experience in the backdrop of exploring the masculine/feminine balance.

Until next time…

September has been an inspiring month for me. I had an opportunity to hear Dr. Anita Johnston, the author of Eating in the Light of the Moon- how women can transform their relationship to food through myth, metaphor & storytelling, speak in Chattanooga, TN. Dr. Johnston believes that women who struggle with disordered eating and distorted body image have internalized the cultural imbalance of masculine and feminine archetypal energies. The masculine aspects of our culture and ourselves are logical, linear, action and goal oriented and outwardly focused, whereas the feminine aspects are emotional, intuitive and inner and relationship-oriented. She explains, “If there is an imbalance where, for example, the masculine qualities are valued over the feminine, this can lead to an emptiness that a woman tries to fill with food.”

Dr. Anita Johnston’s philosophy resonates deeply with me. As a person who was born with 99.9% feminine archetype, I have experienced the challenges of not fitting in to a culture that prefers the masculine archetype. In my own journey, I have experienced being labeled too sensitive, overly emotional, moody… When I was young, it was hard for me understand that there were gifts in these qualities. It was much easier to make sense of them through the idea that something must be inherently wrong with me. I had many hot chocolate conversations with my dad that centered around the question, “Why me?”

Self-image becomes a tangible place to focus this feeling of wrongness… ‘Oh, I know what it is, I must not be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough…’ Until a person can honor the gifts that the feminine archetype brings to them, they will continue to struggle with self-esteem issues. Reclaiming a positive self-image is then linked to reclaiming the gifts of the feminine.

As I have learned to honor the feminine within me, I have also learned the importance of developing the masculine in order to create balance internally. My yoga practice has been a place where I have worked on this balance. When I am in balance, I tend to gravitate towards the practice of Anusara Yoga. This type of yoga incorporates an elegant blend of masculine/feminine with its focus on heart-centered, playful alignment and flow. In the yoga tradition it is the balance of Shiva, the male principle throughout creation, and Shakti, the female principle.

Remember, I said that is when I am in balance… which is not so much the case these days. Under stress I tend to revert to my default 99% feminine energy state, and opt for the more flow oriented and restorative yoga classes. But with Dr. Johnston’s reminder of the importance of balance, I decided to try something different, and headed to the newly opened Bikram Yoga Studio here in Asheville.

For those of you who are not familiar with Bikram Yoga, it is a style of yoga practiced in a room heated to 100 degrees. In every class you do the same 26 poses. The teachers tend to emphasize the results of the practice. It is a type of yoga that attracts Type A personalities. This description from the Bikram Yoga website illustrates its masculine archetype leanings: “Bikram’s Beginning Yoga Class is a twenty-six asana series designed to scientifically warm and stretch muscles, ligaments and tendons, in the order in which they should be stretched. Bikram Yoga’s twenty-six posture exercises systematically move fresh, oxygenated blood to one hundred percent of your body, to each organ and fiber, restoring all systems to healthy working order, just as Nature intended. Proper weight, muscle tone, vibrant good health, and a sense of well-being will automatically follow.”

OK… so the first class was torture for me. I sweated out my entire summer of Starbucks addiction… nausea, lightheadedness, and a woozy feeling followed. I spent the remainder of the day lying on the couch, drinking water, and nursing a killer headache. However, I was told if I came back soon, these side effects would subside, so I went back the next day. Day 2 I learned another important hot yoga lesson… don’t wear a white t-shirt to a Bikram class. The sweat through my white t-shirt made me look like an entrant in a wet t-shirt contest… The pay off came after my 3rd class. I made it through the class without the nasty detox side effects and noticed increased energy and decreased caffeine craving the next few days. I am looking forward to continuing my exploration of Bikram yoga as a tool to balance the masculine and feminine inside me.

Nature is mirroring this lesson tomorrow, September 22nd, with the Autumnal Equinox… when day and night, light and darkness, are equal in length. It’s the perfect time to practice the embodiment of this balance of masculine and feminine.