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SPARKLE = POWER

9 Sep

Image: Thoth Crowley Tarot

In a recent session with my creative mentor, Heather Bleasdell, I received my latest wake-up call. I had entered the session planning on discussing the current developments with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. However, before I could bring up this topic, Heather went straight to the core issue. She asked, “What’s going on with your body?” With an inner grumble of knowing that she was right on with this question, I told her about the recent flare up and spread of a skin condition that I have had on and off for the past five years (psoriasis). I shared with her how the struggle with psoriasis has been an issue in my beauty walk because I feel it is an external mark for the world to see that I am not healthy – a mark that diminishes my sparkle. As she was compassionately grilling me about the need for me to take responsibility for my health in order for the change I desire to occur, she made this statement that kind of blew my mind: SPARKLE = POWER. It wasn’t the psoriasis that was diminishing my sparkle, but rather my disempowered approach to my health and my healing.  Gotta love that Heather.

This exchange was perfect timing for me as I am coming up on my birthday (Yay!) which for me heralds movement into a new Growth Cycle in the tarot: my Hanged Man year. (Good-bye Strength/Lustre year – I loved every minute!) The Hanged Man is an archetype representing the principle of surrender and breaking old patterns. The symbols on this card are very fascinating to me. The upside down man is making an upside down number four with his legs. In the tarot, the number four is the Emperor: the principle of personal power and leadership. The Egyptian Ankh (the reversed cross holding the foot of the Hanged Man) is a symbol of unlimited life force, constantly accessible for creative use. Another symbol of the potential for transformation, the snake, is found on the card as the coil  from which the man is hanging as well as encased below the crown of his head. All of these symbols tell the story of the power available to a person who is willing to break free from destructive and limiting patterns.

This card teaches that we can access our ability to transform our limitations into power/sparkle by getting new perspectives on old stuck patterns and sacrificing the needs of the ego which no longer serve us. Angeles Arrien explains it in this way, “The Hanged Man reminds us that our “hang-ups” can either prevent growth and evolution or they can serve to teach us where we need to free ourselves from undue self-imposed limitations. It reveals the part of ourselves that is willing to love ourselves enough to break limiting and destructive patterns within our personality.”

Image: Osho Zen Tarot

I love the Osho Zen Tarot deck’s image and interpretation of the Hanged Man symbol which it names “New Vision.” The figure on the card is dancing a wild dance of freedom from her stuck patterns. She has a newly accessed ability to see life and it’s challenges with fresh eyes. The image beautifully captures what the Hanged Man year offers if one chooses to accept the challenge, to answer its wake-up call. I want that freedom dance.

Soon after this session with Heather I did a 3 card reading for myself asking the question, “What do I need to focus on as I move into my Hanged Man year?”  Enter reinforcement of what needs to happen this year…

Nature of the Situation: XIII. Death/Rebirth – highlighting the surrender and letting go aspect of the Hanged Man – as anyone who has worked on making changes for their health knows, it is a grieving process to let go of those unhealthy coping behaviors, yet this grieving process is necessary for a rebirth to occur

Action Needed: Three of Swords: Sorrow – highlighting the need to release sorrow held in the mind – sorrow that influences my issues with being stuck and staying in old patterns and behavior choices that have a negative impact on my health – challenge my head tripping

Outcome: Four of Disks: Power – Yep, I hear you, Universe.

I would love to hear how other people are working with breaking free of stuck patterns to access their sparkle/power. Please comment if you feel inspired.

Break on through to the other side,

~ Heidi

Hello Gorgeous

19 Aug hello gorgeous

One morning last week, as I awoke and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, the first thing I saw was my 2 year old son’s beautiful face. The first thing I heard was his sweet little voice saying, “Hello, gorgeous!”

What a way to wake up.

Of course, this morning salutation did not come out of nowhere – it is what I say to him every morning – but I will take it as a greeting any day. It is so important to have our beauty mirrored to us in all of its manifestations. Greet someone you love with “Hello, gorgeous!” today.

I was able to record this short video clip of my little charmer…

I hope you will enjoy this dose of love from Joey.

xoxoxox

In Defense of Lightness

11 Jul

Recently, I had a night out with my dear friend, Rebecca, to see Chris Isaak at the Orange Peel. My familiarity with Chris Isaak was limited to his album Heart-Shaped World and mostly his sexy crooning “Oh, I wanna fall in love” on his most well-known tune, Wicked Game. I had no idea that he was the rockabilly God he proved himself to be. Rebecca and I danced the night away under the breeze of the Orange Peel’s gigantic ceiling fan. After the show, basking in the music and dancing afterglow, I realized I hadn’t felt more myself in a very long time.

I was reminded of a piece of writing from 1999, my first year living in California:

I want to move like there is no yesterday. I want to hear the boom boom boom of the deepest drum and feel my butt grow big and shake it. I want to move this heaviness right off my bones. I want to hear the 3-part la-la-la singing ‘Take me to heaven!’ and let it lift this heaviness right out of the swamp. I want to laugh and smile and shout for joy with the lightness of life that it’s been a while since I’ve felt. Oh, I feel the sugar, and I feel the itch and I feel the oily skin and the big breasts and full belly but who cares when you are so light and moving to the boom boom boom. And I’ll grab that boy and give him a big kiss and sing ‘Take me to heaven!’ or maybe I’ll just smile to myself that I had that thought, but I’ll be living and I’ll be moving and no heaviness will be known… that gravity person, no friend of mine. Maybe it’ll be a New Orleans zydeco man singin’ ‘We all went down to the Audubon Zoo’ and the little 2-step will be shaking me up. Maybe it’ll be the rickety-rack of that old washboard and accordion, with those long-haired hippies shaking their shoulders up and down. Or maybe there’ll be no music at all, it won’t matter, cuz I’ll be moving and I’ll be dancing in defense of my lightness.

When I feel most disconnected from myself, when I feel depressed by life, when I feel heavy and weighted down, these are the times when my energy is the most stagnant. As my friend and creative mentor, Heather Bleasdell, says, “Healthy energy is moving energy.” It is essential for me to get my energy moving, to clear the accumulation of emotion and mental head tripping, as well as the emotion of others that I may inadvertently take on in my work as a therapist. And my favorite ways for moving my energy over the years? Well, that’s easy… music, yoga and running.

This summer, in response to this reawakened awareness of the need to clear the stagnation, I have joined a women’s running group. My favorite local trainer, Marty Harwood-Edes of Crave Change, who is on a mission to empower women on their fitness and health journeys, has partnered with another trainer, Tera Pruett, to sponsor this group running experience. I have joined with the intention of training for my Ramblin’ Rose 2011 event goal, the Half Marathon in Durham, October 16th. (You can read about my Ramblin’ Rose 2010 experience here.)

One of the recommendations in the training process is to tell people about the goal you are working towards, so that is what I am doing here. With the intention of getting my energy flowing, and in defense of my lightness, I will be training for the Ramblin’ Rose Half Marathon in October.

That, and getting down at some more music shows with Rebecca, of course.

What do you do in defense of your lightness? Leave a comment if you feel inspired.

* Note: Many of my clients struggle with compulsive overexercise. In this blogpost, I am not endorsing this behavior, rather promoting a healthy exercise balance. If you feel you struggle with compulsive overexercise, please seek professional help. A helpful resource is the book: The Exercise Balance: What’s Too Much, What’s Too Little, and What’s Just Right For You! by Pauline Powers.

Every Woman Is Beauty

2 May

I am continually inspired in my work by the beautiful, intelligent and creative women that emerge from the throes of an eating disorder as the healing process of recovery starts to take root. One of these amazing women, Kimberly Jones, is currently putting together a benefit to raise money for a scholarship to Tapestry’s residential eating disorder program in Brevard, NC. She was inspired by the support she has received on her journey, as well as another awe-some alumni, Heather Purdin, who organized a similar benefit last October. Likewise, Heather was inspired by three teenage girls who started a non-profit, Project Heal(Help to: Eat, Accept & Live), to raise money for people suffering from eating disorders who cannot afford treatment.

I love how this ripple of inspiration is flowing wider and wider.

I often ask my clients: What would you be doing with your energy if it were freed up from your struggles with food and body image? This is a process I affectionately refer to in my own life as ‘Bust Out and Sparkle.’ Kimberly, Heather and the women of Project Heal have used their energy to create opportunities for other women to heal and start down the path of recovery. As women heal from eating disorders, one by one, they will be free to use their energy to add their unique strength, passion and beauty to this world. And we are living in an age where the world desperately needs everyone’s strength, everyone’s passion and everyone’s beauty for its own healing.

So I invite you to join me in creating an opportunity for another woman to bust out and sparkle by attending the Heal Tapestry Fundraiser on May 27th. There will be live music, raffle prizes, a hula hoop performance by the goddesses of Asheville Hoops Troupe, eating disorder awareness, free food and fun. Tickets can be purchased in advance for $15. They are also still looking for donations for the raffle if YOU are feeling inspired. To purchase tickets or donate to the raffle contact Kimberly Jones at thehealtapestryfund@gmail.com.

Every woman is beautiful and deserves a chance, and the world deserves a chance to experience every woman’s beauty.

Hope to see you May 27th!

Walk in Beauty

31 Mar

Four years ago I was working very comfortably as a Qualified Professional for Appalachian Counseling doing case management and brief therapy for people with mental health issues. I was good at what I did and it came easy for me. The owner of Appalachian Counseling, Jane Ferguson, had just opened a new residential treatment center for women with eating disorders in Brevard – Tapestry. She was looking to hire a new therapist for Tapestry and out of the blue called me and asked if I would be interested in interviewing.  At first, to myself, I said an immediate ‘H*** no!’ I had some experience working with this population and knew that the issues they faced were very close to home to my own challenges. I also knew I had a lot to learn in order to help these women in an effective way. Luckily, I kept that ‘H*** no!’ to myself. I went home and talked over this opportunity with my husband. He made an excellent point… how often does a person receive a call like this one, a call to take the next step in their professional and personal journey? I felt honored that Jane saw some potential in me that I had not recognized myself. I heard the call and accepted the challenge and have been working for Tapestry ever since.

Over the last four years I have come to see my work at Tapestry as Feminist Activism. I work to help empower women, one at a time, by planting seeds to free them from their struggles with food and body image. In the recovery process, it is often said that body image is the last and hardest thing to shift. This makes sense because in our current society it is truly a radical practice for women to reject the physical “ideals” that are being sold to us. More and more I am seeing that external struggles with body image are playing out internal struggles with how a person values oneself. Body image can shift as a person begins to connect to and embrace their authentic Self and live from that place. In the process of helping people heal their food and body issues, I feel grateful for the opportunity to serve as a midwife for the true Self.

Throughout my process, I have been interested in the concept of beauty and how a woman can reclaim her own beauty. A clue that beauty was an important aspect of what drew me to this work was offered to me the very first Family Weekend I was involved in at Tapestry. During this weekend, the father of one of the residents, a man who had some Native American heritage, shared a poem that intrigued me. It was the following traditional Navajo prayer:

In beauty may I walk

All day long may I walk

With beauty before me may I walk

With beauty behind me may I walk

With beauty above me may I walk

With beauty all around me may I walk

Walk in beauty

Walk in beauty

Sensing the deeply spiritual understanding of beauty held by the Navajo Indians, I wanted to learn more about this prayer. My research efforts on the internet proved to be less than satisfyng. I learned of a ceremony called the Beautyway in which the Navajo participate to regain a sense of Beauty, Balance and Harmony. I would really love to know more about this ceremony first hand so if anyone reading this post could connect me to someone who might have more information I would be so thrilled. I did see the following definition: The concept ‘to walk in beauty’ is the process of being connected to one’s true Self – the Soul self. This definition resonates with my own understanding of what makes a person beautiful. Through the process of gaining Self-Knowledge, I have worked to connect to and embody my own sense of beauty, so naturally this is what I value in the work I do as a counselor.

Self-knowledge seems to be the thread that connects my various interests and obsessions. Counseling, yoga, songwriting, expressive arts, the enneagram, tarot, astrology, internal family systems, my relationships – all are tools for gaining deeper Self-knowledge and therefore gaining a deeper sense of one’s beauty. In my own Beauty walk, it is time to further my exploration into beauty with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. I am excited to be starting a 6 week Reclaiming Beauty pilot group. I have invited some friends to join me in experimenting with the reclaiming beauty ideas. I look forward to deepening this exploration and sharing it with others.

What is your definition of beauty? Is it wide enough to include your Self? In what ways do you embody your Self-knowledge and therefore your beauty?

I will leave you with a beauty way perspective on the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation offered from one of my yoga teachers, John Friend, creator of Anusara Yoga:

May all beings, including myself, be free from pain and suffering

May we all awaken to the essential goodness and beauty that shines in our hearts

I honor the beauty within you from the beauty within me

Walk in beauty

Image: Anahata Katkin

New Year New Shoes

3 Jan

I love how my new Saucony Prorigid Ride 3 running shoes glow phosphorescent against the gray, rainy sky of New Year’s Day 2011 here in Asheville.  Feels like a metaphor!

Dreaming about my New Year’s intentions…

Will keep ya posted… Happy New Year!

We may be ugly, but we are here: Gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice

23 Nov DSCN0646

Last Spring, as I was driving home from work, I heard a powerful report on NPR about the recovery effort in Haiti after the worst earthquake in the country’s history occurred January 12, 2010.  The aftermath of this devastating earthquake, which left more than 250,000 dead and up to 1.5 million homeless, truly tested the resiliency of the Haitian people. However, I was struck by the reported motto of the Haitian people in the face of this tragedy: “Nou Met Led Me Nou La!” which translates to, “We may be ugly, but we are here.”

In the context of my work with women who struggle with disordered eating and body image issues, this statement was mind-blowing. It is amazing how quickly the important aspects of life are put in perspective when reflecting on this level of human loss and suffering. And how powerful the expression of gratitude at the most basic gift of life.

For weeks after I heard this story, whenever I would hear a client struggling with their body image, the uncensored version of me would want to shout loudly: “You may be ugly, but you are here!” Luckily, I recognized that this kind of statement would most likely not communicate empathy to my clients like they are used to receiving from me. After all, I am usually the one that educates them on the various factors that make a person susceptible to negative body image including low self-esteem, societal and familial messages, biological vulnerability in the form of perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive traits, developmental history and trauma history. With this level of understanding, I would never want to communicate a simplistic, snap-out-of-it message like: ‘Get over yourself and appreciate what you have!’ Yet, I do see a benefit in sharing this Haitian recovery motto with my clients - developing a mindfulness practice of replacing bad body thoughts with gratitude thoughts.

Bad body thoughts, no matter what their root, can become a repetitive tape in a person’s head. Eventually, people who struggle with negative body image may not even realize what triggers them to start thinking the disparaging thoughts – they have become a well-worn pathway in the brain. But the exciting truth that meditators have known from experience, and researchers are now proving, is that we can train our minds and change our brains by using mindfulness. We can replace the bad body thought pathways with new pathways of gratitude.

Mindfulness, as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgement. Using gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice, a person becomes aware of their mind starting down the path of bad body thoughts, without judgement, and then shifts their focus to gratitude. This process creates a new mental filter of appreciation. Ask yourself: What CAN I appreciate about my body? Shift your focus from FORM to FUNCTION.

A daily gratitude practice can be a helpful tool in training your brain to shift its focus. Here are some ideas from M.J. Ryan’s book, Attitudes of Gratitude:

~ Identify 3 things you are grateful for today and what is your part in them?

~ How could things be worse? I’m glad I’m not…

~ When you are struggling, look for the “gift in the wound.” Ask yourself: How have I grown through this difficulty?

I am grateful for the blessings around me, which I can appreciate best when I am attending to them- my beautiful son and husband, our home, my family and friends, fulfilling work, a healthy back so I can move my body again, motherhood and creative outlets. In this season of giving thanks, I am happy to join in the chorus: We may be ugly, but we are here!

You are NOT ugly, but you ARE here! What are you feeling thankful for?

Please leave a comment if you feel inspired.

Ramblin’ Rose 2010

10 Oct

On Sunday, September 26th, my little sister, Becky, and I joined the ranks of the Ramblin’ Rose Super Sprint Triathletes. We had such a blast at this event – realizing our triathlete potential quite unexpectedly. Our older sister, Katie, had participated in this event 2 years ago, and got us on board to join her in the fun. I would have never signed up for a triathlon if it hadn’t been for Katie. My swimming skills amount to doggie paddling and my own creative variation of the breaststroke…  and Becky and I have forever joked about how we cheated our way through the Guppies and Minnows swim class at the Y when we were kids. But I signed up in support of my sister despite this limitation, ’cause that’s what a sister does.

The week before the event, Katie decided she had too much going on to participate this year. I reconsidered my participation, doubting if I was truly prepared. However, I decided since I would be going down to Charlotte to cheer Becky on anyway, I might as well go for it.

My training for this event consisted of the following:

+ 2 mile run: began the Couch to 5K training program in April and completed a 5K in June, continued running 3x/wk

+ 250 yard swim: figured out exactly how many laps = 250 yards and practiced ONCE in my Mom’s neighborhood pool in July

+ 9 mile bike: took a few spin classes over the summer, rented a bike and did a few rides on vacation at the beach the week before the event

Once I got my body back into running and realized how manageable a 250 yard swim was, I felt fairly confident about completing the race. I figured I could get on a bike anytime, anywhere and do the 9 mile ride no problem. Becky did the research to learn what it meant to set-up a transition station and took care of all the logistics. Yay, Becky! Then for our final psych up, we went out the night before and got matching outfits, ’cause that’s what a sister does.

The morning of the triathlon, gathering with the 1000 other women who were anxiously awaiting to begin, Becky and I started questioning ourselves. What were we thinking signing up for a triathlon? Would we make everyone we were swimming with mad because we calculated the wrong swim time? Would running be crazy difficult after swimming and biking? We just needed to get in the pool and begin. Becky started her swim at 8:40am, 40 minutes before me, so I got to cheer her on for her 10 laps of the pool. I was inspired by how far she had come with her freestyle stroke since Guppies and Minnows class! When she finished, she disappeared from the pool area off to the next stage of the triathlon.

I was in the pool and began the triathlon at 9:22am. I was able to pull off my swim stroke without breaking into a doggie paddle, and was so exhilarated from the water. From there, I transitioned to the bike portion. Here’s where it became eventful for me. About 5 miles into the 9 mile bike ride, just as I was feeling confident about my riding, the left pedal and crank came off my bike. Of course, this really wasn’t that surprising since I didn’t think to get my bike tuned up before the race and hadn’t ridden my actual bike for several years. The bike mechanics came and attempted to help me fix the problem. But without the bolt, which I had probably left far behind on the road, my bike couldn’t be repaired along the race route. An event official showed up in a car to drive me back to the finish line. At this moment, I remembered my Dad’s race advice from when I ran a marathon many years ago: Run ’til you can’t run. Walk ’til you can’t walk. Crawl ’til you can’t crawl. And slither on in! I was not ready to stop or to accept defeat to my poor race preparation… I was determined to slither on in if I had to… so I walked my one-pedaled bike the remaining 4 miles.

I proudly finished the bike portion of the event, walking my bike across the transition line, waving my pedal in declaration that my positive attitude was no match for this obstacle. And my reward… by the time I was transitioning into the run, Becky had already completed the triathlon and had time to recuperate. She joined me and we ran my final 2 miles together, ’cause that’s what a sister does.

Of 961 finishers, I was number 937! Becky finished 345th. My hero.

So, any Asheville sisters or Asheville mamas want to join me for Ramblin’ Rose 2011?

This post is dedicated to my Title Nine Last Resort Sports Bra xo

Emancipate yourself

23 Jul

I am back to feeling up in the air about whether or not I will launch the 8 week Reclaiming Beauty workshop this fall. My collaborator took an opportunity to move to California with her husband, and I am again face to face with questions:  Am I ready to put my passions and purpose out there? Am I truly living my life in authentic alignment with my Reclaiming Beauty philosophy?

Through my parallel process of this Strength/Lustre year, I have been exploring my mind/body/spirit to see where I can more finely tune my inner experience to be living from my own philosophy. I texted my sister with some thoughts that have been heavy on my heart through this process, and she responded, “You need to read this awesome blog, embody yourself. The author is so wise.” She reminded me to tune in again to my inner wisdom. I’m left with a question that my clients often ask me… Why is our own inner wisdom so hard to hear?

I know for me this challenge – to hear and heed my own inner wisdom – is impeded by old and stale false beliefs of self-doubt. My self-doubt stems from believing my power is drained by my emotional/intuitive/sensitive nature. Here again are the feminine archetypal qualities that I champion and channel into my work- and then in my inner work must champion in myself over and over again so that I don’t take the self-doubt out on my body/spirit.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then my thoughts, the actions they lead to, and wondering why I still feel stuck in this self-doubt will definitely make me crazy. When I catch myself falling back into the old false belief system, I have an opportunity to practice what I preach. I love to quote Bob Marley to my clients: “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” We must question our inner authority – freeing our minds requires questioning the beliefs from which we are living.  (thank you, Geneen Roth) When I can use my inner wisdom to compassionately witness this negative mental process, I become angry at all the reasons this belief was formed in my mind. And anger brings energy that can be channeled into change. I am tired of draining my energy through this self-doubting… I know my power can be fully claimed so that I can be effective and authentic in my life and my work.


Summer breeze… makes me feel fine

22 Jun

Oh yes, we did it! Couch to 5k complete. 1st 5K post baby. My little sister, Becky, and I ran the Summer Breeze 5K in Charlotte on Saturday. We had fun reminiscing about past running adventures while we ran, and feeling grateful for our Dad from whom we learned the joys of running. The race was organized so the men started a half an hour later than the women, so Kelly and Joseph decided to lay out of this one. They joined Becky’s husband, Mark, and their son, Solon, to cheer us on at the finish line.

My Aunt Karen gave me her Couch to 5K update after the last post… couch. You can do this program, Karen! Just download the podcasts and away you go.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine. 5K therapy is the best.

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