I came back to Bikram Yoga last fall because I was ready for the challenge. I had entered my Hanged Man growth cycle – a year to break and release stuck patterns that rob us of our power – and saw the strength, focus and will required of a committed Bikram Yoga practice as exactly what I needed to get Unstuck and Powered On. The teachers often say, “If you can do 90 minutes in the hot room, you can do anything.” Whenever I hear this statement, I wonder what the other students in class are working towards as their “anything”. For me, it is taking the brave step from my safe, stable job to starting my own business as a Reclaiming Beauty coach.
My vision as a Reclaiming Beauty coach is to help women identify and overcome obstacles to embracing their beauty, develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their unique beauty and create a vision to share their strengths and passions with the world. My definition of beauty is inspired by the Native American concept to walk in beauty. I believe a woman is walking in her beauty when she stands confidently in Self-Knowledge – embodying strength, power and a sense of meaning and purpose for her life. A main obstacle on my own Beauty Walk has been self-doubt in my ability to stand consistently in my own power. My intentional choice to head back to Bikram Yoga in the fall, with a goal of taking class 3 times a week, was to practice showing up to myself through the ups and downs, to burn away that which no longer serves me and to get my feminine nature (emotions, sensitivity, compassion, intuition) back in balance with the masculine (strength, power, determination, will).
So – be careful what you wish for, right? One of the phenomenons that happen with a committed Bikram Yoga practice is something called unraveling. The protective layers of muscle, tissue and fascia around old injuries begin to heal and when they do, these injuries will resurface to be healed on a deeper level. So, not surprisingly, an old, chronic back injury resurfaced for me. Enter a stuck pattern – I am so hard on myself when I have back pain episodes. I feel weak, fragile and depressed. It feels like proof that even my body can not be consistently well. My particular pain gets irritated by all of the things I do in my work – driving, sitting at the computer and sitting with clients for counseling. And the pain makes it difficult to play and be with my son with the ease I desire. It is hard to be gentle with myself.
The last time this injury resurfaced in a hard-core way was debilitating emotionally. I had just completed graduate school and was headed up to Massachusetts to complete a yoga therapy program. My vision had been to use my counseling training and conventional credentials as a Licensed Professional Counselor to anchor work as a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapist. I took the 15 hour road trip from Asheville to western Massachusetts, and when I got out of the car, my back literally froze up. I spent most of the two week training lying on my side. When I came home, the pain and injury got in the way of being able to do the physical aspect of the yoga therapy work. I gave up hope that my body would ever be well enough to do this work. It even hurt to practice yoga (the Bikram studio wasn’t here in Asheville yet), so I gave up hope that yoga could heal. I felt defeated. I descended into depression.
This time around, I was prepared to face this injury in a new way. I believe firmly in the healing power of Bikram Yoga if you keep showing up to the practice, no matter what is happening in your body. However, in the face of my pain I struggle not to go to a place of defeat, so I decided to seek additional support through chiropractic care. My chiropractor, Dr Jennifer Liming, is healing and amazing and I value her thoroughness and the objective tools she uses to measure the healing process. This measurable data helped reassure me that even in the ups and downs of the unraveling, I was still moving forward. The first month I went to her 3 times a week. The pain came and went as the process unfolded. But what happened in week 4 took me by surprise.
During this week, my worst fear came true. The floodgates opened and I cried the entire week. I was descending into the darkness. I would never be stable enough to make my business dreams come true. My husband didn’t love me because I was too emotional. I was a terrible Mom because Joey would grow up remembering my mood swings. Darkness. Drowning. Failure.
Another opportunity to break an old pattern – I did not give into defeat. I kept showing up to myself on the yoga mat, and on about day 7 of this breakdown, I had a realization. As one of my spiritual teachers says breakdown = breakthrough. My breakthrough – just as the physical protective layers of my old injury were resurfacing, so was the related emotional content. The yoga healing process I was experiencing is exactly what I ask of my clients; to explore the protective parts of their nature to allow the more vulnerable aspects to surface and heal. It is a process that requires so much courage to stay present and not avoid/shut down/run like hell. As the physical protective layers were healing, the stale emotions and limiting beliefs woven into my bodymind were surfacing and flooding me. I had a choice; to play them out in the old way and stay stuck, or to break and release the pattern to create freedom. I am choosing freedom… it is my Hanged Man year, after all.
Even though I am still in the middle of his process, I know it is a major milestone on my Reclaiming Beauty journey. I am thankful for the beautiful and inspiring teachers at the Asheville Bikram Yoga studio who provide an encouraging space for anyone to embark on a similar healing journey. I’m going to keep showing up. I’ll continue to take steps towards reclaiming my own power, so I can offer the Reclaiming Beauty work with authenticity and integrity.
I honor the beauty in you from the beauty in me,
Walk in beauty,
Heidi
Image: Ardha-Kurmasana (Half-Tortoise Pose), a particularly healing pose for what ails me
