Skills: Defining Beauty
from Contributor: Kimberly Jones
What does beauty mean to me? Honestly, I am quite terrified of this question. In fact, I have been “too busy” to even sit down for five minutes and process it. My therapist, Heidi, suggested that I process this question, and for the past 2 weeks I haven’t been able to make myself take time and think about it. Right now, however, I am sitting down on my couch, uncomfortable as I feel in my well-nourished body, meditating on this one question. I can feel my mind starting to wander, I am tempted to go on facebook, work on the Project H.E.A.L benefit I am organizing, and of course, video chat with my tender warrior. And here I am rambling on, trying to avoid the question…if there was a college course on avoidance, I would ace it!
So, back to the question, what does beauty mean to me? I have been pondering whether I should reflect outward beauty or inner beauty. But as I think about this more, inner and outward beauty goes hand in hand. Beauty is found in the way one acts, speaks, the way they carry themselves (confidence and positive attitude), and the way they treat other people. When a person exudes these things, their outward appearance is what I see as beauty. The person radiates a glow, which others feel around them. They truly care about the feelings of others, while still taking care of there own feelings. I have been in situations where I work so hard at trying to make another person “feel better”, draining my own soul of the care and nourishment it needs. Although this shows inner beauty, the outward beauty begins to diminish, and the glow that once emitted from the inside dries out and prunes up. However, when a person takes care of others, but firstly makes sure they themselves are well enough, you can see their confidence just by the way they carry themselves.
Physical beauty is just an element of what outward beauty is to me. I have every temptation to just write what I think is “the right answer,” but how is that beneficial to others… and to myself? So let me answer this with no judgments from myself or from what I think others will think of this. So here it goes… I am going to explore what I think is beautiful. I think beauty is taking care of yourself… specifically in this part, your physical body. This includes nourishing yourself with the proper food and using physical activity in a healthy and fun/moderate way. For a long time, if not my whole life, I have viewed beauty as being anorexic thin. For those who don’t know what I mean by this, picture a lifeless body…. a woman of only skin and bones. This to me showed strength; the sicker you look, the more powerful, more beautiful you were. Thinness, like sports and school (grades), was a competition to me. I HAD to be the best anorexic, the thinnest person that I was aware of. When I walked past someone on the street, in the store, at the local coffee shop, if they were thinner than me I would get jealous. It was NOT okay for them to be better than me… sicker than me.
This sounds almost like a sick joke when I read over what I have written, but it wasn’t long ago that I felt this was true. Actually, there is a part of me that still believes this… no; my eating disorder makes me believe this. I can sit here and judge myself for what I am writing, however, this is what a deadly eating disorder can do to one’s thoughts and beliefs… the entire mind. I have never written down or told anyone out loud what I am about to unleash onto this page. I’m not going to over think this; I will just write what comes out. The anorexia overtook (takes) my mind and made me believe that sick, skinny bodies are beautiful… strong. I had to be the best anorexic…the skinniest person in the house. I went to a few eating disorder treatment centers at a very low weight; however, I didn’t see myself as “sick” enough to go to these places. The first four times I went into inpatient treatment, my main goal going in there was to be the skinniest, sickest looking girl there. Actually, I have spoken to many girls with eating disorders and they have said the same. I was beauty in the anorexics… they were strong and powerful. The girls who were at an average weight were weak. I was scared of seeing them because I didn’t want to even think about ever getting to a healthy weight and be that size. It was okay for them to be at their healthy weight, but I would NEVER let myself be that weak. This is why I clung on to anorexia as soon as I arrived home from treatment. I was forced to get to a weight that wasn’t considered beautiful to me, so the only way to beauty was through anorexia.
I, Kimberly Jones, no longer consider beauty as being skinny and sick-looking. I, Kimberly Jones, do not see skin and bones as a sign of strength and power. However, I would be lying if I said my eating disorder felt the same way. My eating disorder tries to make me believe that I am weak for gaining a significant amount of weight to be healthy. To the eating disorder, gaining weight equals “fat” and inadequate. Although it may feel that I think the way my eating disorder wants me to, it’s not true. I struggle with this fact everyday; I often have to stop and correct myself when I speak of my beliefs towards beauty.
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.”
1 Peter 3:3-5
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